We all have relationships with others, whether it’s romantic partners, friends, colleagues or family members, they are essential to our well-being and bring so much joy and happiness to life, but when they go bad they can be soul-destroyingly toxic. Today we are going to dive into the warning signs of a toxic relationship and how to avoid them.
It’s important to note that there does not need to be physical abuse for a relationship to be bad. Toxic relationships are also those that do mental and emotional damage and turn your life upside down.
Recovering from a toxic relationship can take years, the longer they’re left to fester the deeper the scars will be but I want you to know that it IS possible, I am living proof that you can make it through and I’m here to help you so that you can spot the signs earlier and get out before it’s too late.
**If you are currently experiencing domestic abuse, please seek help, you are not alone and there are people who can help you, if you are in the UK you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Women’s Aid or Refuge for support. Alternatively, see this worldwide list of domestic abuse helplines**
The Slow Unveiling:
It’s rare that a toxic person is easy to spot, sure, some radiate it with heat but others have an unnerving talent for hiding it, often for quite some time.
Toxic partners can appear in your life like an angel sent from heaven, the Prince Charming you’ve been waiting for, quite often they lure you in with charm and charisma, making you feel loved, wanted and appreciated but then they begin to slowly chip away at you, making you emotionally dependent on them and before you know it, your friends and family are like distant islands, and you’re stranded in a sea of manipulation, fear and control.
This slow reveal of their true colours leaves you confused and pining for the person you thought you knew. I want you to know this – that person you’re holding on to doesn’t exist, the slow unveiling is all a part of the plan, it’s to make you easier to manipulate and to make you think they will change, it’s the classic bait and switch, once they reel you in it all changes.
The Effects of Being in A Toxic Relationship:
Being in a toxic relationship is physically and emotionally exhausting. It will have you questioning your worth and your sanity! Common effects of toxic relationships include:
- Increased anxiety
- Depression and other mental illnesses
- Low self-esteem
- Insecurities in your appearance and abilities.
- Lack of energy or motivation
- Isolation
- Withdrawal from people, hobbies, self-care etc.
- Inability to sleep
- Decline in physical health
- Self-harm or even suicide
I speak from personal experience when I talk about these effects, I have been subjected to physical and emotional abuse at the hands of people I thought loved me on many occasions and it almost destroyed me.
Looking back now, there were so many ‘red flags’, I mean like, HUGE great scarlet flags right in front of my face, that I just chose to ignore out of sheer desperation to be loved. My fear of abandonment, non-existent self-esteem and saviour complex made me stick around and walk open-armed into the mouth of the lion.
Luckily I managed to take back my life, rebuild myself and move on, it wasn’t easy and it’s an ongoing process but if I can do it, so can you.
I want to share what I’ve learnt and the tell-tale traits that I’ve found most toxic people share, in the hope they it will stop others from going down the same path I did.
So, let’s get into it…
20 Warning Signs Of A Toxic Relationship
1. Lack of Trust:
Trust is the glue that holds relationships together, and it has to go both ways. Without it you will find it very difficult to build a healthy relationship. Constant suspicion erodes the foundation, making it hard to build anything lasting.
2. Trying to Control You:
Healthy relationships are about partnership, not dominance. If your significant other is dictating your every move, it’s a major red flag. A controlling partner might start small but can escalate to suffocating levels. Be aware of subtle manipulations to make you change plans or pander to their needs.
3. Dismissiveness:
Your thoughts and feelings matter. If your partner consistently dismisses them, or makes you feel like you’re opinions and interests aren’t important then they likely do not care for you. Over time, you might find yourself feeling unheard and undervalued leading to a feeling of worthlessness.
4. Unreliability:
Consistency builds trust. If your partner is consistently inconsistent, it creates uncertainty and instability in the relationship. If you constantly make plans and they cancel at the last minute or they’re always dropping you for someone else then it’s a good sign they do not care about your feelings.
5. Lack of Affection:
While people’s preferences of levels of affection differ, there needs to be sufficient amount in a relationship for you to connect and help your relationship flourish. If your partner becomes emotionally distant or withholds affection, it can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness. Also if they only offer affection as a ‘reward’ for specific behaviour then this is toxic affection.
6. Moving Too Fast:
Love is patient, not a race. If your relationship is hurtling forward at breakneck speed, it might be a sign of someone trying to secure control quickly. If you’re two weeks in and they’re already love-bombing you and talking like the two of you will never part – that’s a red flag, put the brakes on and don’t allow yourself to get swept up in it too quickly.
7. Your Gut Tells You Something Is Off:
Intuition is a powerful guide. If your gut is sounding alarm bells, pay attention. It might be onto something your conscious mind hasn’t grasped yet. I can honestly say that deep down I knew someone was off very early on in every relationship that went bad, but I’d been conditioned not to trust my own intuition, convinced I was crazy and unstable but I was right, my body knew, so pay attention to what you are feeling and trust it. Toxic people will try and tell you it’s all in your head but it isn’t.
8. They Hate All Your Friends:
Isolating you from your friends and family is a classic toxic move. A healthy relationship encourages social connections; a toxic one thrives on cutting them off. If your partner is always slating your friends and trying to turn you against them, run! Toxic people want you to be isolated so that when you see the real them, you have nowhere left to turn, they want you dependent on them, and ensure you have a life outside of your relationship too.
9. Constant Complaining And Disagreements
Negativity can be contagious. If your partner is consistently complaining without seeking solutions, it can create a toxic atmosphere that affects both of you. If all your communication becomes negative and you can’t seem to agree on anything then it’s likely that your relationship has become toxic.
10. You Become Insecure and Feel You Need to Change:
A toxic partner can erode your self-esteem, making you feel like you’re not enough. Constant criticism and comparison can lead to a distorted self-image. Healthy relationships nurture you for the person you are, yes people change and grow in a relationship but if you feel like you have to change to please them then they aren’t the person for you. DO NOT let ANYONE dim your light!
11. You Can’t Confide in Them:
A healthy relationship is built on trust and openness. If you can’t confide in your partner without fear of judgment or backlash, it’s a sign of toxicity. You’re relationship should be your safe space, if it isn’t then you are likely on a path to pain and heartache.
12. They Use Your Past Against You:
Bringing up past mistakes in a constructive manner can be healthy. However, using your past against you to manipulate or control is a toxic behaviour. If you confided in your partner and that information is later fed to others or thrown back at you, get out. Being vulnerable with someone should be met with respect and compassion, if your partner cannot do that, they are not your person.
13. It’s Always You That Has to Compromise:
Compromise is essential, but in a balanced relationship, it goes both ways. If you find yourself constantly sacrificing your needs for theirs, it’s a warning sign. There has to be give and take, don’t allow yourself to get lost in what they want all the time.
14. You Are Always the One That Has to Apologise:
Apologies should be mutual. If you’re always the one saying sorry, even when you’re not at fault, it creates an imbalance of power (which is why they do it). Set clear boundaries and if they are not respected, do not apologise, do not lower your standards or settle for less than what you deserve!
15. Communication Turns Into Arguments:
Healthy communication fosters understanding. If every time you try to voice your opinion or discuss issues it turns into a battlefield you will slowly begin to lose yourself and become withdrawn and unable to assert yourself. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, remember… Your thoughts and feelings matter, don’t let anyone make you feel different!
16. There Are ‘Conditions’ to Their Love:
Love shouldn’t come with a list of conditions, of course, there are boundaries, but there shouldn’t be lists of things you should or shouldn’t do, say or be in order for your partner to show you love. If there are strings attached to their affection or support, it’s a sign of toxicity.
17. You Feel Unsafe:
Safety is paramount in any relationship. If you ever feel physically or emotionally unsafe, it’s time to reassess the situation. If you find yourself becoming anxious at the thought of being around them and like you have to walk on eggshells out of fear of their reactions, please seek help and remove yourself from the situation!
18. Promises to Change with No Action:
Empty promises are designed to string you along in a toxic relationship. If your partner repeatedly promises change without taking concrete actions, it’s time to question their sincerity. If someone truly feels sorry for their actions, they will not repeat the same behaviour, if they do, it’s a choice! And they are showing you they do not respect you or your feelings. Stop accepting apologies for the same old mistakes!
19. The Bad Outweighs the Good:
Every relationship has its ups and downs, and that’s natural, no one gets on 100% of the time, but if the downs consistently overshadow the ups, it’s time to evaluate the overall health of your connection. Your relationship should bring you happiness and improve your life, if it doesn’t, love yourself enough to walk away and put your needs first!
20. Abuse:
The most critical warning sign. Any form of abuse—physical, emotional, sexual, or verbal—is a clear signal to exit the relationship immediately. Your safety and well-being should always be the top priority. No matter how small something may seem, please do not ignore it, often the small things are just the start, the test to see what they can get away with before they unleash the real pain.
A Personal Word
I remember the first time a partner physically hurt me, I hadn’t seen it at the time, but the mental manipulation had been going on for a while, and the aggression towards inanimate objects was a regular occurrence.
One day during an argument they threw something at me. A pot of cream to be exact, it hit me on the top of my leg and left quite a bruise. Of course, they were super apologetic afterwards and swore it was an accident, they promised it would never happen again, it was just a pot of cream, right? So I stayed. Then the throwing things became a push, a grab at my arm, dragging me around, refusing to let me leave… every time the same cycle of apologetic tears and hollow promises… I’d somehow end up feeling sorry for them or thinking “If I just hadn’t done X, then this wouldn’t have happened” and I’d stay. Every time the next argument was worse until I was cowering in the corner, a shadow of my former self.
The years that followed were some of the worst of my life, I lost everything, my family, my friends, myself! I spent a long time wishing I’d paid attention to all those red flags. So that’s why sharing these warning signs of a toxic relationship is so important to me, I want you to be better prepared to spot the signs and avoid the soul-sucking dementors that are out there in the world!
**Remember – If you are currently experiencing domestic abuse, please seek help, you are not alone and there are people who can help you, if you are in the UK you can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, Women’s Aid or Refuge for support. Alternatively, see this worldwide list of domestic abuse helplines**
Final Thoughts:
In conclusion, the aftermath of a toxic relationship is like a storm that leaves wreckage in its wake. It’s not just about the visible scars but the lasting impact on your mental and emotional well-being.
Constant criticism and manipulation chip away at your self-esteem, making you doubt your own worth. The isolation imposed by a toxic partner can make you feel like you’re navigating life’s challenges alone.
This emotional toll isn’t just a momentary struggle; it can contribute to long-term issues like anxiety and depression.
Breaking free from a toxic relationship is not just about escaping a harmful situation; it’s about reclaiming your sense of self and rebuilding a life that’s free from the damaging effects of toxicity.
Recognising these 20 warning signs of a toxic relationship is your compass to a healthier, happier relationship.
Remember, you deserve a love that lifts you up, not one that weighs you down.
Next Steps
If you recognise that you are in a toxic relationship, check out this post on How To Cut Toxic People Out Of Your Life and move on for good.
